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A Byproduct of Alzheimer’s Seems to Be Rage

Both seem to be good at feeding the other

Text by Tom Hintz

Posted – 2-17-2014

I have never been good at waiting, especially for something I actually want. That impatience becomes exaggerated when you know there is a race between my mind’s perception of reality and I have no idea where on the curve I am right now. However, I am very certain when things are holding me back and those never make me happy.

Along with the forgetful mind I am noticing a parallel emotion that seems to feed off of the frustrations encountered when I try to do the things everyone agrees help me. That frustration quickly morphs into a simmering rage that can fade if I feel like I am making progress. Should something prevent my progress, particularly something that was not an issue a few years ago the rage swells quickly. It is that ramping up of my rage that makes me wary.

Long ago an editor of mine said that I did not suffer fools well. He was correct of course but that bit of insight on his part is less impressive because he had the advantage of being the fool I was not suffering at the moment. Today I have more people telling me I can’t do things or I can’t go places that adds to the anger. I fear that sooner or later someone is going to do something patently stupid that frustrates my attempts at making myself better and that rage is going to blow up.

I used to be more worried about blowing up at people but these days I seem to be recognizing more and more that there are people who deserve being spoken to harshly. So far when the rage boils over I have confined myself to throwing things around that I don’t care about or secretly think should have gone in the trash years ago. I have a policy now in my shop, rage or no rage, when I trip over something out there something goes in the trash or gets sold. In the last year I have sold a bunch of woodworking equipment and tools because I tripped over them and because woodworkers are saying that since am crazy now I shouldn’t be using them. I do actually agree with some people sometimes. Some of the stuff that had frustrated me in days gone by just got busted up and trashed. That makes me feel better for a while.
I know people will say that I should just relax and go with the flow or some other hippie-sounding plan of inaction. While I realize that I am not sure of lots of things I am sure that me sitting back and relaxing while people are telling me I can’t go someplace or do something that is good for me just is not going to happen. I may have to focus more of my concentration on solving the things that tick me off most and bust up what doesn’t help but I tend to see that as progress.

There used to be an old 70’s era poster with two buzzards sitting on a branch. One is saying, “Patience my ass. I’m gonna kill something.” I often think of that poster when I get frustrated because somebody told me I can’t do something that I know helps me. I am limited to “killing” inanimate things but that will do while I plot a way to get around the things that are holding me up.

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